dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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