I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
