I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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