It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
