i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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