Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
