If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
My vagina just clenched in fear
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