I think my fart just growled at me.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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