i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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