Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I would fuck him just for his dog
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