I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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