i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
false alarm, still single
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
