if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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