Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
