how can u be prego again
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize