Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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