The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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