I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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