I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
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