The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize