Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
