So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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