theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
