'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
i've created a new STD.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize