i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
