If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
