OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
