ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
