I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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