Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Randomize
