fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
There's always time for handjobs
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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