If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
