I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
