Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just pynch a tree in the face
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
