oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
