Your face is a jimmy john
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
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