why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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