i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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