everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
