Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
