At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
