Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize