you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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