What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
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