Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
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