Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
