Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize