you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
