OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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