My entire life is one complicated drinking game
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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