Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
