I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
