It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
