All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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