Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
