oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize