I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
