I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
