Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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