I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
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