i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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